Why Tonight?

So I am sitting here and I find myself crying. I am thinking about my mom. I miss her tonight. I do not know why. There is no reason for me to be thinking/missing her but I do. I hate when I randomly cry for my mom. It makes me long for her to be around even more. Tonight sucks.

Dear mom, I cried today...

Today I cried. It was not just sad tears, it was a lot of pain and sorrow. Right now I am eating grapes with my daughter Addison. I decided to make some yummy homemade food. I made Strawberry Rhubarb pie that my aunt used to make me growing up. Then I decided I wanted to make my mom's marzetti. It was my favorite food for her to make me. If I had my choice for dinner, I always wanted her marzetti. I was fine making it, until I tried it. It tasted just like my mom's. Which does not really surprise me as I helped her make it many times. I have not had it in years, i would say at least 5 years because my husband has never had it and we have been together longer than 5 years. As soon as I tasted it I began to cry. It made me miss my mom even more than I normally do.

I hate that my daughters will never know they grandmother. I hate that I dont have my mom around to talk to when I need to ask a question or want to complain about the stupid driver that cut me off. I hate that my mom never got to see her grandchildren!

I have been strong. I no longer break into tears when I hear songs that remind me of her. I can sing them and think of the good times we had together. I have her perfume in my bathroom but I can not bring myself to smell it. They do not make it anymore so I know I do not have to think about running into the smell. The food is a different thing. Since I have not had it in so long I did not know that it would affect me the way that it has.

I miss her greatly. I can not wait to share stories with my children about her when they are older and can understand.

I love you mom! You are forever in my heart!

The Son I Will Never Give My Husband

Sometimes I am very sad that I will never give my husband the son he so desires. After the birth of our second daughter we are not going to have any more children. When I think about how he will not have his son I cry for him. I want a daughter because I still grieve for my mother. I wanted to give my husband a son and cry when I know I am not able to.

I feel as a failure because I can not give him something he desires more than anything else in his life.

Why do I need this blog?

This blog is for me to discuss the trials and tribulations I am experiencing since my mother passed away unexpectedly in December of 2008. Sometimes I need a way to vent and feel like there is no one who understands. My husband was close to my mother but it is not the same. The pain he feels is no where the pain my brother or myself feel since losing our only parent and our mother.


The last 2 1/2 years have been hard on me. After my mother passed my husband and I became pregnant with her first grandchild, a girl. Addison is now almost 14 months old. We are also expecting our second child, another girl. My brother had a son in this time, he is 5 months.

Sometimes I hate having my daughter around my mother-in-law. I know it is not her fault but I hate that she gets time with my daughter while my mom has to miss out. I hate that my daughter will never get to know the amazing woman my mother was.

I have always said to my husband that I hope I am a fraction of the mother that my mother was to me. I am often told what a great mother I am and how great my daughter is. The only thing that would make this better would be if my mom could see what an amazing granddaughter she has!

I do not think it is fair...Why should I lose my mother when I am only 23? Why should my brother lose his mother at 19? We are barely living our own lives at this point and are now orphans. I cry far too often for the loss of my mother. I miss her. I want to hear her voice. I want to watch the home videos from when I was little but I still cry too hard.

You would think that after almost 3 years it would be easier by now, but its not. I miss her so much. I hope that this blog helps me to get my feelings out, especially since with my hormones I am crazier than ever! If anyone took the time to read this, thank you and I hope something I have said has brought some good thought of your own mother to you!